Getting More Help When There are Serious Problems

PREP is a program that can help couples and individuals to develop and maintain healthy and strong marriages and family relationships in a number of important ways. In various forms of PREP, you can learn things such as how to:

(Not all versions of PREP given to all audiences cover exactly the same set of topics.)

While a program like PREP can help participants in many ways, it is also important to note that PREP is an educational program, and it is not designed as a service for serious problems that many people struggle with in their lives. For example, sometimes people who attend workshops like PREP have problems with physical aggression or infidelity, and/or serious individual issues such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorders, or problems with substance abuse (and so forth). PREP is not designed to provide therapy for any of these or other very difficult and challenging issues. Fortunately, there are other services and resources that can be of help to you should any of these other kinds of difficulties be something about which you want to seek more help.

We provide this sheet of information to ALL couples and individuals in these workshops so that you will know about other services that are available if you should need or wish to seek help in any of these areas. You will also find contact information for resources within the state of Oklahoma. Additionally, your group leader may know more about what resources and services are available in your area, but they will likely only provide such information if you ask for it. Leaders of educational workshops are generally not trying to assess your situation and needs as a part of the educational workshop. But most will be willing to help you find such services if you let them know you are interested.

There are several categories of difficulties mentioned here, and in many cases, people struggling with one area may also be struggling with others.

Financial Problems

Financial problems make everything else in life harder. PREP focuses on helping you build your relationship but does not specifically cover ideas for how you can improve how you manage money or other parts of your financial life. Further, money problems can be one of the key sources of conflict for couples. If you work at it, PREP can help you reduce the conflicts and work together more as a team. However, you may need more assistance getting on your feet financially than you are currently receiving anywhere else. Please ask your program leader about sources of help that may be available.

Other Family Problems

There are many kinds of problems families face where there can be services in the community that can provide a great deal of assistance and support. For example, problems such as:

If you and your family struggles in any of these areas, look into what resources may be available to help you further. If you are a couple that is struggling to make your relationship work better, and you feel like the services provided in a workshop are simply not enough of what you need to get on track, consider pursuing couple counseling from a counselor who specializes in helping couples. If there are no resources for this listed on the materials that have been handed out to you, you can ask your group leader to help you figure out what resource might exist to help you further in your community.

Substance Abuse and Addictions and Other Compulsive Behaviors

No matter what else you have to deal with in life, things are harder when either you or your partner struggles with a substance abuse problem. Drug abuse and addiction robs you of your full mental and physical abilities as you wrestle with life. Every one of the major problem areas identified in this handout is made that much worse when drugs and alcohol are a problem. For example, most people find it harder to look for a job, keep a job, and perform well on a job when abusing drugs. Alcohol, in particular, is associated with difficulty handling temper; impulses to lash out make domestic violence more likely in homes where one or both partners drink to excess. If you or your partner are having difficulties with substance abuse, realize that there are many types of services you can seek to help you to make a better life.

Other compulsive problems that some people struggle with include eating disorders, sexual addictions, and gambling. There are various agencies, services, and organizations that can help you if you have any of these problems, but you have to take the first step to seek them.

Mental Health Problems

Mental health problems can come in many forms, including anything from anxiety to depression to schizophrenia. Some types of mental health problems are more likely to run in families whereas others do not. Any mental health problem is more likely to develop or get worse when a person is under great stress for some period of time. When it comes to difficulties that couples face, depression is common when there are serious relationship difficulties-especially among women, who are more prone to depression than men. Research shows that one of the things that helps protect people from having mental problems, or having mental problems become more severe, is having a healthy and secure marriage. Clearly, PREP is designed to help you build your relationship, and it might help you in that manner.

When it comes to mental health problems, the good news is that there are now many effective treatments. Furthermore, such services are available in all counties, including services from public or private counselors and doctors. If you do not have insurance or other means to pay full fees, there are often services available at reduced cost, according to your ability to pay.

Domestic Violence

Issues about domestic violence are very complex and not all relationship experts agree on the subject. The key is doing whatever is needed to make your situation safe. If you have any questions at all about this, please consider asking your group leader for more information, or contact directly one of the resources listed here for help and guidance. Here are some general thoughts to keep in mind if you have concerns about domestic violence.

PREP is not a treatment program for domestic violence. PREP was conceived as a program to help couples reduce the chances of divorce and marital distress. The prevention or reduction of patterns that lead to marital failure is the chief focus of the program.

Domestic violence of any sort is unacceptable and wrong and dangerous. However, experts now recognize that there are very different types of domestic violence. For example, some couples have arguments that get out of control, with frustration spilling over where one or both partners may resort to things like pushing, shoving, or slapping. Researchers call this "common couple violence" because it happens in many relationships where two people are having trouble managing conflict constructively. Please do not misunderstand. This can be quite dangerous, especially if a couple does not take strong measures to learn how to manage anger and conflict better. However, this type of domestic violence is fundamentally different from what many people commonly think of as an abusive relationship, where it is most often a male who is using aggression, force, and intimidation to dominate and control a female. With battering, verbal abuse, violence, and threats are often a key part of the dynamic.

While much more research will be done to understand various ways couples become physically aggressive, certain beliefs are emerging among experts. With common couple violence, females are just as likely to be the ones who hit as males-though females are in greater danger of being physically or psychologically harmed, regardless. While we do not recommend PREP as a domestic violence treatment program, PREP is aimed at helping couples handle conflict better. When all the signs suggest that a couple is having trouble handling conflict well, and this is leading to some physical aggression at times consistent with trouble handling conflict constructively, we believe the kinds of strategies in PREP may help a couple learn to manage their conflicts in ways that reduce their risks of aggression. If that sounds like you, keep in mind that some of the strategies of PREP may be of help, but you may also want to seek additional services, such as help with anger management, that might help the two of you deal with conflicts and negative emotions in more effective, and safer, ways. If you have any questions about the safety of your relationship you should contact a domestic violence program or hot line.

In couples where one partner uses aggression to control and intimidate the other (most often a male intimidating a female), experts are more pessimistic about the possibility of changes that will make the situation safer. In these situations, females may be particularly helped by domestic violence services and resources that help them find safer situations. With this type of domestic violence, experts do not believe couples are likely to benefit from programs like PREP. If that sounds like your situation, you could seek out more information and services, such as from the resources listed here, to help you do whatever is needed to be safe.

If you have questions and concerns about your situation-or you think you might need more help because of domestic violence or anger management problems-please consider getting more help than what this program can provide. There are additional or different services that you can seek that may help you a great deal.

Remember, the bottom line when it comes to domestic violence is doing what is needed to make sure you are safe. If you ever feel you are in immediate danger from your partner or others, call 911 for help. If you doubt that you are safe, or you are just not sure, seek extra help to make sure that you can be.

Acknowledgements: This handout was developed by PREP, Inc. with input from the Oklahoma Marriage Initiative. Various experts contributed to the content, including Scott Stanley, Howard Markman, Natalie Jenkins, and Bruce Carruth. Special thanks to both Marcia Smith, the executive director of the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, for her feedback and recommendations, and to Larry Didier, director of the Oklahoma Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse Services.